The Town Hall Archives

extraneous interference · Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2003 10:54 am Post subject: America, We're Sorry

Rick Mercer, from "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" on CBC

On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently, and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense, I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally, on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really thinly-veiled criticism. I sincerly hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you to to countries you get upset with.
Thank you.

(i just thought I'd post this for your enjoyment... I don't particularly agree with everything rick says, but i found it quite amusing.)

JoyElectric · Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2003 12:28 pm Post subject: America Responds

...and then there is my response that I wrote for another forum, as well as my roomate who is from Manitoba:

We accept your apology. As an American, I feel that it is my duty to apologize for a few things as well.

I am sorry that the Canadian Football League pales in comparison with the NFL.

I am sorry that Canadian money looks like money from Monopoly. I am also sorry that Canadian money is currently valued at a few pennies less than money from Monopoly.

I am sorry that you have an inability to spell such basic words as "center," "color," and "meter."

I am sorry that the Barenaked Ladies never rose to much more than novelty-status in the United States.

I am sorry that you must swear allegiance to the Queen of England. I am also sorry that someone in your history mistook the meaning of the word "Independent."

I am sorry that the average junior high schooler in LA is more heavily armed than your military.

I am sorry that you have a Goods and Services Tax. However, from the stories we receive from your citizens that come to our hospitals, for some reason, it is worth every penny.

From the sincerity implied in your email, I believe you will not have a problem with apologizing for the following:

Celine Dion
William Shatner
Pamela Anderson
The Royal Family (Hey, guilty by association)
Keanu Reeves
The movie Titanic (James Cameron)
Shania Twain
Bryan Adams
Matthew Perry
Guess Who reunion tours

Also, I am sorry if this list looks more like a swipe at Canadian culture, but we also know what you do when someone confronts you.

Absolutely Nothing, or complain to the UN. Same difference, all in all.

Jared · Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2003 12:40 pm Post subject:

Well, I didn't know how to vote. I didn't think his misguided policy in the form of a joke was exactly funny but then again, I didn't really take offense, either.

I feel like picking this apart. The "yous" are directed to Mr. Mercer, even though he isn't reading this... :)

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

And I'm sorry that Chretien lives up to his name so well. I would remind you that President Bush is definitely not a "moron" by any definition of the word. Let's look at Chretien for a moment. Oh, he's held dozens of government positions. When a single party has almost monopolic control over a government, that happens. Certain individuals get appointed to almost everything. But as for education? He studid law from Laval University. Bush, on the other hand, has degrees from Harvard and Yale.

And Bush has taken some nearly impossible situations and turned them into victories. Even the Democrats now consider him a genius... They're concerned. I'm thrilled.

And actually, yeah, we elected him. Fairly. The Florida Supreme Court, run by liberals who would willingly throw out the whole constitution to get their own way, ruled wrongly. Bush won in all the recounts.... ALL OF THEM. But they didn't care. All the U.S. Supreme Court did was reverse the Florida Court's unconstitutional ruling. And they did so by a 7-2 margin! Bear in mind that there are only THREE conservatives on the Supreme Court but that SEVEN of the nine judges ruled in favor of Bush.

He won. He won the recounts. It's his White House. Gore and his campaign tried to steal the election, but fortunately did not get away with it. The "Bush really lost" argument is stupid and a boldfaced lie.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

Uh... Whatever. I'm fine with free trade... Apologizing over this seems kind of silly. My only argument would be with the liberals in this country who force us to buy so much timber from out-of-country because of environmental concerns. Consider this: Alaska has nine times as much wooded land as New York state, but due to all the terrible laws forced on that state by environmentalists in Congress, New York has about 20 times as much timber output as Alaska. Dumb.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense, I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

Let's set up Olympic American-style football and we'll see who wins that one... In our defense, I'll say that an American football team would be much, much, much, much better than yours - or anyone elses.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

That wasn't very nice to do. And you know what's worse? It was unprovoked! And you can't even call it preemptive. It was a land grab, pure and simple. We threw off the crown and Canada and the British came back to reclaim. Fortunately, you only destroyed a building. For the second time, untrained American men took on and beat the "world's greatest military empire."

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

I'm sorry that your arguments are so weak that you are reduced to babbling about beer. So you're better at making intoxicating beverages? Somehow, I am not in awe...

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry that you think that you can take one misguided look at history as an excuse for wrongdoing. I'm also sorry that you think we would necessarily want a "friend" like Canada at our side. During World War II, General Patton was quoted as saying that he'd rather have a German division in front of him than a French one behind him. Take out French, insert Canadian. "Same difference."

I am also sorry that you can't see the difference between a policy of isolationism and a policy of dictator support. We made our military mark in the Mexican-American war, but we weren't exactly the world's military leader. We were that country across the sea.

We supported Britain and the rest of the allied powers, of course, but were hesitant to send in our military. I disagree with that (remember, DEMOCRAT Franklin Roosevelt was in power at the time), but notice a key difference: the U.S. was on the allied side even if it didn't lend military support. Just like all the "coalition of the willing" countries who are on our side in this present conflict even without allocating troops to the field. We don't need your troops. But we would have liked you to be decent enough to prefer us over what even you call a "crazed dictator."

And finally, on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really thinly-veiled criticism. I sincerly hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you to to countries you get upset with.

Oh, so that's how you describe the war on terror? Waging war on countries that have caused us some annoyance? In that case, considering the general hatred of the United States throughout much of the world and considering our military power, why exactly isn't two-thirds of the world now a crater? We disagree with a lot of countries. But we don't go to war with them. When we do go to war, we have reason. To be honest, we could pick a lot of countries to go to war against -- and all would have plenty of justification. But we don't relish war.

Oh, and one last thing. In America, hours last sixty minutes, unlike those twenty-two minute Canadian hours. It's just that for Canada, currently in self-destruct mode, time is running out.

JoyElectric · Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2003 12:59 pm Post subject:

One more to add:

I'm sorry we just whipped your tail in curling last weekend.

Oh, and Jared, "This Hour.." is a politcal satire show, the closest thing we have to it in the US are the occasional bits on Saturday Night Live. At first, I thought "This hour has 22 minutes" had something to do with the exchange rate up there ;)

Jared · Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2003 1:02 pm Post subject:

JoyElectric,

While I didn't know the exact format of the show, I could tell that it was some sort of humor/satire show. ;)

And interesting on that curling thing. It doesn't say much for Canada when the country down south is better than them at the exhilarating sport of sweeping the ice in front of a wedge.

extraneous interference · Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2003 2:16 pm Post subject: curling

funny that you mention curling... just thought i would post some clips from TSN.ca

WINNIPEG (CP) - Canada's Colleen Jones was beaten at her own game Saturday as the United States won its first ever women's world curling title in a tight 5-3 contest that left little room for big ends.

``I feel like a movie star,'' Saskatoon-born (that's in CANADA if you didn't know) Debbie McCormick, who skips the U.S. team out of Madison, Wis., said as she bathed in the TV lights following her victory.

``We just made history. That's what it means. It means our country has a gold medal and we're just so excited that we're the team that brought it home.''

Her rink also includes third Allison Pottinger, who was born in Brampton, Ont. (this is also in Canada), second Ann Swisshelm Silver and lead Tracy Sachtjen.

One of the humourous things about bringing up the American win in curling is that half the team is Canadian, including the skip. And if you don't know what a skip is, then you probably shouldn't start bragging about American curling.

another selection:

WINNIPEG (CP) - Canada's Randy Ferbey shook off a weak start and the curse of the Winnipeg Arena on Sunday to defeat Switzerland 10-6 in nine ends and successfully defend his world men's curling championship.

``This team is unbelievable,'' said the Edmonton skip, a record five-time Brier winner and the first in more than 30 years to win consecutive world championships. ``I don't know when it's going to end with these guys and I hope it's not too soon.''

Switzerland last won a world championship in 1992. Canada has won eight since then, including 2003 and a record 29 since the Scotch Cup started in 1959.

another humourous thing about you guys bringing up curling is that Canada has dominated the sport decades, and continues to do so. want to beat Canada at curling? Get an all-American team and do it.

and maybe we should continue with sports....

The Masters were just a little while ago, and Canadian lefty Mike Weir won.

extraneous interference · Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2003 2:34 pm Post subject: some patriotic songs...

This is the type of humour you might expect to see on such shows as "This hour has 22 minutes" or "Royal Canadian Air Farce," two extremely funny political satires. If the closest to this America has is SNL, then you guys are really missing out.

Artist: Worms Arrogant
Song Title: Forgive Us We're Canadian

We always say we're sorry
We like to stand in line
When you ask us how we're doing
We always say "Just fine!"

Forgive us, we're Canadian,
We try hard to be nice,
You too can be Canadian
If you follow this advice.

We disagree on everything
But we try to be polite
We don't believe in violence
Except on hockey nights!
We've adopted European ways
Replacing yards with meters
But we still must ask the question,
"How many miles in a litre?"

Forgive us, we're Canadian,
We try hard to be nice,
You too can be Canadian
If you follow this advice.

We can talk for hours of end
About the constitution
Which is dry as toast but sure as heck
Beats war or revolution.
We don't much like to wave the flag
We find patriotism shocking
So we celebrate on Canada Day
By going cross-border shopping!

Forgive us, we're Canadian,
We try hard to be nice,
You too can be Canadian
If you follow this advice.

We know how to dress for winter
We're not afraid of snow!
And we love our country quietly
And hope Quebec won't go!

Forgive us, we're Canadian
And that some might think us bland
But there's nowhere that we'd rather live
Than this vast and frozen land

Artist: Worms Arrogant
Song Title: Proud To Be Canadian

Our fair country, Canada, is north of USA.
Our Maritimes are lovely and our prairies give us hay.
Oh, you might think you Yankees are better than us Canucks.
Well, we don't need no microchips inside our hockey pucks.

We know that you've got Disney World,
and you keep it very clean.
Well we don't have Bob Dole,
but we can drink when we're nineteen.
We may watch your TV shows for hours and hours and hours.
We'll give you Alan Thicke, but Shania Twain is ours.

Chorus:
We're proud to be Canadian.
We're awfully nice to strangers, our manners be our curse.
It's cool in many ways to be Canadian.
We won't say that we're better, it's just that we're less worse.

Your beer's not too tasty and your weather can be beat.
We all fly south in the winter time to escape the snow and sleet.
We're pleased to say that we've enjoyed all your southern charms.
But we get sunburnt when we exercise the right to bare our arms.

(Chorus)

Alanis Moriset she is our latest pride and joy.
She used to sing about high school dances and chasing afer boys.
But now she is fed up and about as angry as can be.
She's got one hand in her pocket, and the other's on guard for thee.

Artist: Worms Arrogant
Album: Three Dead Trolls In A Baggie - The War Of 1812
Song:The War Of 1812

Oh, come back, proud Canadians
To before you had TV,
No hockey night in Canada,
There was no CBC (Oh, my God!).
In 1812, Madison was mad,
He was the president, you know
He thought he’d tell the British where they ought to go
He thought he’d invade Canada,
He thought that he was tough
Instead we went to Washington....
And burned down all his stuff!

And the White House burned, burned, burned,
And we’re the one’s that did it!
It burned, burned, burned,
While the president ran and cried.
It burned, burned, burned,
And things were very historical.
And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies
Waa waa waah!
In the War of 1812!

Us hillbillies from Kentucky,
Dressed in green and red,
Left home to fight in Canada,
But they returned home dead
It’s the only war the Yankees lost, except for Vietnam
And also the Alamo... and the Bay of... ham.
The loser was America,
The winner was ourselves,
So join right in and gloat about the War of 1812

And the White House burned, burned, burned,
And we’re the one’s that did it!
It burned, burned, burned,
While the president ran and cried.
It burned, burned, burned,
And things were very historical.
And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies
Waa waa waah!
In the War of 1812!

In 1812, we were just sittin’ around,
Mindin’ our own business, puttin’ crops into the ground.
We heard the soldiers coming and we didn’t like that sound.
So we took a boat to Washington and burned it to the ground.

Oh... we... fired our guns, but the Yankees kept-a coming,
There wasn’t quite as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and the Yankees started running,
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico, oh, oh....
They ran through the snow and they ran through the forest,
They ran through the bushes where the beavers wouldn’t go.
They ran so fast, they forgot to take their culture,
Back to America, and Gulf and Texaco

So, if you go to Washington, its buildings clean and nice,
Bring a pack of matches, and we’ll burn the White House twice!

And the White House burned, burned, burned,
But the Americans won’t admit it
It burned, burned, burned,
It burned and burned and burned
It burned, burned, burned,
Now, I bet that made them mad
And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies
Waa waa waah!
In the War of 1812

rosie · Inquisitive Member Joined: 07 Jan 2003 Posts: 1197

smurfs · Guest

extraneous interference wrote: So, if you go to Washington, its buildings clean and nice,
Bring a pack of matches, and we’ll burn the White House twice! LETS SEE YOU TRY THAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the thing about us being babies lets see, we over through one of the world's most powerful Empires A.K.A. England, and we won the war of 1812 (and we beat you Canadians), and America saved you and all of the rest of the countries butts in WW2 and so I think you should shut your big mouth up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that is sad that you were beagging about your beer, and I think if you vs. an AMERICAN team in football, baseball, or backetball the score would be 0 canida to 120 AMERICA Very Happy

I really like the score, AND THE THING ABOUT THE WHITE HOUSE, I DONT FORGIVE YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Evil or Very Mad

Ferder- · Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2003 7:22 pm Post subject:

ummm. Cool it Queen. They're only joking!