The Town Hall Archives

Jared · Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2003 12:03 pm Post subject: A Letter from the Mayor

Citizens of Odyssey,
It’s been a long time since I’ve picked up my pen to write to you. In fact, I never have, preferring to pick up my computer and write to you. Unfortunately, the computer is heavy and it’s hard to type while you’re holding the challis, monitor, three dozen cords, most of which haven’t connected to anything since the abacus became obsolete and a few since the fall of Assyria, a Quiet-Type keyboard which makes more noise than thirteen running elephants in a 15-gallon aquarium, the mouse and its mouse-pad, which apparently indicate that mice need homes (so there are some things of mice and of men; Steinbeck would be proud)...

Oh, and a sub-woofer that came with my system and would apparently increase the quality of sound on my computer if I listened to rock music, easily and seemlessly changing the sound.from sickening screeching to a crisper sickening screeching with a louder beat.

I’d also, of course, have to hold the speakers, two PDA docking stations, various and sundry items lying around the computer that may be for the computer or may be parts of something long-since-extinct; oh, and I failed to mention the microphone.

You see, citizens of Odyssey, if you thought it was hard to balance the duties of the office of mayor, well, that’s nothing compared to balancing the computer! And that’s why I rarely pick it up to write to you.

But today, I feel the need to let you know of important things going on around town. As most of you know, a while back I initiated smiley reform, introducing a plethora of additional emoticons. All was well.
Then, I set up a chat room and immediately, it was filled with people talking about duckies. And Mitch. And most importantly, instances of sub-economic standards in the far east during the time of the Ming dynasty. All these things and more have never been discussed, but maybe they should have been.

But in this chat room, I’ve noticed something that can only be described as chatter. And each day, as more and more people find the room, the chatter increases. This worries me. Therefore, today I would like to unveil the Odyssey Advisory System. As mayor, I carefully watch chatter levels and look for unusual statements that could be construed as threats. I know what to look for, I am happy to say. So when one person said, and I quote, “I’m going to destroy this Town Hall,” I immediately recognized that as coded language for “I regularly attend the opera.” But when a person mentioned duckies, then I knew. They want to bring harm to us!

The war may seem to have ended long ago, but a threat remains. We must be vigilant.

Thus, it is my honor and privilege to unveil today the new advance warning system, featuring five color-coded threat levels to help you plan a course, although you are not permitted to act upon the warnings, as if you did so, then the AI0 Digitalites would already have won.

The first and lowest level is green and indicates relative safety. On a “green” day, the worst you’ll have to endure is endless discussion about Mitch. And Connie. And how great they are for each other. And all that silly stuff.

Then there’s blue, which indicates that you may be subjected to political dissertations, that you should be aware of potential posts by Hawkeye and a slight chance of useless posts.

Next comes the more elevated level of yellow, which clearly states that if we are not careful, we could all become yellow. This scares me.

Then there’s orange, which, more than anything else says, “Be on the lookout for baseless ramblings, useless posts and a potential heavy amount of posts by people with names such as ‘Zwall.’

And finally, there’s red, and this one indicates a presence of tense posts and chatter concerning duckies from certain dangerous factions. Under this severe condition, it is very much advised that you carry a readiness pack with you containing the following items.

- Duct Tape for sealing the mouths of duckie supporters. Also good for sealing off houses, creating great works of art and fixing everything from a broken duck’s leg to a faulty duck rifle.

- Pekin Duck Sauce for, well, for what else would you use it?

- Cans of beans just because. They have no real use, but no survival kit can be without at least thirty-nine pounds of the stuff, preferably of the most despicable kinds. Green is not an option; refried is too kind. I’m talking about beans of the type you can barely pronounce, let alone eat.

Working together, we’ll be ready for anything. But please, don’t do anything differently. If you do so, the AI0 Digitalites will already have won.

Tom Riley · Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2003 2:31 pm Post subject:

How long did it take you to write that Smile

Jared · Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2003 3:43 pm Post subject:

Brad, it took about 10 minutes to write.

Madison, it wasn't supposed to make sense! Wink

The balancing the computer thing was meant to be a silly digression from the topic. The rock music and duckies just kind of fit in, so I threw them in there.

And the chatter and warning system? A parody of sorts of the Department of Homeland Security's Threat Assessment Levels.

E87M2 · Senior Member Joined: 11 Jan 2003 Posts: 1106

For the chat room.... Laughing

Coralfish · Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2003 4:21 pm Post subject:

That couldn`t have taken 10 minutes to write....

I am not entirely slow at typing, but that is quite a bit of writing.
Unless you are a top-speed typist or something..then I suppose it might not take quite as long...

I should probably just keep all this pointless speculation to myself, but I thought it might merit noting aloud(or typing).

Bennett Charles · Town Villain Joined: 24 Nov 2002 Posts: 2410

It's great from hearing from our mayor again. Even though he talked about his computer....I thought it would be about new things about the town and how you will do the best you can to help the flow of the wind.

Jared · Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2003 6:07 pm Post subject:

Bennett Charles · Town Villain Joined: 24 Nov 2002 Posts: 2410

Yes. It hasn't been flowing correctly. You need to help it.

[btw, it was an epression.]