The Town Hall Archives

hawkeye · Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2003 10:25 am Post subject: Is anyone else wondering?

Exactly how many UN members does it take to change a lightbulb????

Oh yeah, and how long would it take?

Idea

Jared · Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2003 1:20 pm Post subject:

Oh, interesting question! I decided to write something up on the matter. Now, it's my own work, so it's not that great... but anyway... And, of course, it went rather long:

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Noticing that the lightbulb is not working, the United States requests unanimous consent for a resolution asking that the lighbulb be replaced, stating that if other nations choose not to participate, they will take on the action alone.

CNN cuts Moneyline short to air a live feature with Howard Dean and Jesse Jackson railing against the United States' proposal of unilateral action on the issue. They further point out that no proof of the current lightbulb's failure to comply with legal lighting standards has been implicitly proven by the United States government.

In Great Britain, Prime Minister Tony Blair casts his support for the U.S.-sponsored lightbulb replacement resolution. However, knowing that lightbulb change is not a popular stance in his country, he goes before the House of Commons and frames his argument in humanitarian terms, explaining the dangers and threats of a darkened world without proper lightbulbs. According to polling data released the next day, the in-the-dark people of his country oppose any attempt at lightbulb change without the full and unqualified support of the United Nations.

The Guardian stops the presses to print a special issue featuring a photo of the British Prime Minister holding up his hands, which have been digitally altered to appear as if they are coated in a powdery substance. "Filament on his hands!" the headline screams.

Back in the United States, former President Jimmy Carter submits an op-ed article to The New York Times in which he calls on all true Christians to oppose lightbulb change, arguing that it is not our duty to judge if one is in light or in darkness. Furthermore, he cites the Just Lightbulb Replacement theory and contends that all lesser means of forcing the bulb to produce all its remaining light have not been exhausted.

Ten Security Council nations indicate that they will oppose the lightbulb change and propose a rigid regimen of lightbulb inspections, to which the President of the United States reluctantly agrees, telling the nation that the lightbulb will be given one last chance to produce light. Security Council nations subsequently clash over whether the job of chief lightbulb inspector can be given to a blind man.

Inspections drag on for months and in the end, the chief inspector tells the world in excited terms that he found no evidence that the bulb was incapable of producing light. When the United States ambassador to the U.N. counters that the resolution authorizing the use of inspections of the lightbulb required said lightbulb to reveal any light it may have to the inspectors, Inspector Full O. Trix claimed to have made progress and requested more time, which was granted.

Despite the evidence and early words to the contrary, the French government comes down entirely against lightbulb change no matter what the circumstances. Shortly afterward, U.S. newspapers begin reporting that the country was afraid of what would be found if lightbulb change was accomplished, as the rogue lightbulb in question had been supplied with French-made filament.

President Bush sends Secretary Powell to the United Nations to offer convincing proof of the lightbulb's failure to comply with previous U.N. resolutions. After an hour and a half long, impassioned speech that no one on the council seemed convinced by, Powell pounded on the table and shouted, "Look at the lightbulb, idiots! Does it look like it's working to you?"

Russia's foreign minister talks to CNN reporters, expressing his dissatisfaction with the "cowboy rhetoric" coming out of Washington. "I think Cowboy Bush and his ranch hands think they can just walk into any place and force lightbulb change. They think it is their right to do that," says the minister in broken English.

In Washington, protesters fill the streets, chanting and holding up signs that read "Even a Burned Out Lightbulb is Brighter than Bush" and "Hitler Changed Lightbulbs, Too!" MSNBC interviewed a protester, who derided the imperialistic attitude of the United States concerning lightbulb change. "They think it's their manifest destiny or something," he tells the cameras.

Meanwhile, environmental activists complain that a new lightbulb would produce heat, which would contribute to global warming. The lights are on all night in the offices of Greenpeace as employees and volunteers operated power-hogging PCs, writing up missive after missive against the President's proposed action to be signed by environmentalists across the country and delivered to the steps of Capitol Hill. "We've got like, six whole trees worth of paper that we're gonna put on those steps," effuses one staffer. "You wouldn't believe how many SUVs it's gonna take to get them papers there."

The German government issues a statement that is carried on all the major U.S. networks. It notes that in Germany's golden days, their fine Auschwitz facility made very little use of lighting. Furthermore, the document observes that there were no ill effects from this, or if there were, you could never tell those ill effects from the rest of them.

New Europe, however, sides with the United States in calling for lightbulb change. "The United States of America has the world's best interests at heart," said the Prime Minister of Portugal. "I remember when President Reagan called for furnace change. All of Europe complained and accused him of all sorts of things, but he succeeded in turning up the heat. And none of us here in Portugal forget that he melted the whole Cold War away like snow. If the United States now wants lightbulb change, we'll support them."

The Wall Street Journal runs the Prime Minister's comments. The New York Times then runs a rebuttal, reminding the world that it was Mikhail Gorbachev that singlehandedly ended the Cold War and defeated the enemy, the United States, without resorting to any sort of change.

President Bush appears on national TV giving a press conference about the need for lightbulb change and reminds the people that he can and will act outside of the United Nations if necessary to secure lightbulb change. He reiterates that he will approve use of force, if necessary, to achieve this objective.

Human shields arrive at the lightbulb's location and surround it. Said one such shield, "I'm making a difference. By standing here, I'll save the world from complete annihilation at the hands of Cowboy Bush." He declined a request to spell the word "annihilation."

On the Fox News Channel, Alan Colmes questions whether any new lightbulb will be an improvement over the old one.

The Security Council finally votes on lightbulb change. The resolution, which would have narrowly passed, is shot down by a French veto. The United States goes ahead with its goal of lightbulb change anyway and soon has extracted the non-compliant bulb and replaced it with a new, better one. A shining beacon of truth, liberty and justice. Soon, other non-compliant lightbulbs shatter and are replaced with far better ones. U.N. Secretary General Koffi Anan complains loudly that the United States has stirred up resentment among many bulbs, but in the end, everyone but a few liberals realize the truth: now in the light, they can finally see. And what they see is that the United States was right once again.

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Coralfish · Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2003 6:31 pm Post subject:

Truly Amazing.

I never knew that. Smile

Bennett Charles · Town Villain Joined: 24 Nov 2002 Posts: 2410

LOL! Very accurate Laughing

SNOOZIE · Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2003 9:11 pm Post subject:

very ineresting and very well written and very funny and very um. . . . . . cool?

missfriendship2 · New Citizen Joined: 21 Jan 2003 Posts: 41

Makes me miss the Oddity Times.

Sad