The Town Hall Archives

alwaysHis324 · Last edited by alwaysHis324 on Fri May 30, 2003 3:48 pm; edited 1 time in total

First off: I DO NOT WANT TO START A DEBATE*!!!!!

* you know, arguing, name calling, people getting their feeling hurt, lets try to be nice and civilized okay?

Ok, now that that is out of the way...
What opinions do you guys all have on the topic of Dating vs. Courtship? Do you practice dating? Courtship? Not sure yet?

I just thought this would be a fun disscussion. I personally practice courtship, its what my parents have decided they want for their children, and I will honor that choice. Honestly, I don't see much of a point in dating. At least right now, for me. Sure I want to get married someday, but I don't have the time to spend looking for that perfect someone, and by dating, that sometimes seems to become the mentatlity.

Now, by all means, I am not shunning dating. In fact my best friend, whom I have known for over 5 years and she is very dear to me, she has a boyfriend. And I am thrilled for her. I do have to say this, its her first boyfriend, and both of them have taken things so slowly it could almost be considered a courtship if it weren't for the fact that their parents weren't as directly involved at the beginning of this relationship (as is common with courtships)

Also, what kind of standards do you all (and your parents) have, as far as how old you have be, girls making the first move, physical contact, chaparones etc.

Again, I'm just curious. So please respond!!!

Hisgirl84 · Junior Member Joined: 16 May 2003 Posts: 199 Location: US

Wow! Lots of questions...and a well-worn topic. Very Happy

Let's see...I think I can do this without causing strife. Wink

I'm a courtship gal all the way. My parents always said they wanted to spare us the heartbreak of dating and I guess I latched on to that idea of saving one's heart as well as their body for the one right person God has for them.

I've never been good at getting in to the logistics of the courtship process, so let's just suffice it to say that as a young woman, I'm trusting that God will use my father/parents to direct a relationship when that time comes.

As for standards in the specific areas you mentioned I'll take a crack at those too. 1) I don't think there is a set age for the courtship process...more like maturity level. If the guy's not able to provide for a family or the girl's not equipped to manage a household, they have no business pursuing a relationship. 2) I don't think a girl has any place to be starting a relationship. 3) physical contact is an issue that stirs up lots of controversy...are you sure you want to go there? I don't think it's my place to tell anyone else what they should do, but for myself, I've committed to abstain from any form of physical contact (perhaps barring hand holding...still undecided on that one) until marriage. 4) and last of all, I think chaperones are vital to a healthy relationship. <cringes as the onslaught of differing viewpoints comes crashing down>

What do *you* think?

anna k · Posted: Tue May 27, 2003 9:41 am Post subject:

Very well said Amy, I agree with you. Very Happy

Sydney Bristow Vaughn · Posted: Tue May 27, 2003 9:48 am Post subject:

Well, I'm all for beating a dead horse... ;)

I'm a strange mixture of both... I have no intention of courting, and yet I think the dating process is, for the most part, idiotic.

My father being dead, it will be a bit impossible for him to participate in a courtship process. If you know of a way, let me know. ;)

I believe it should be up to the man to pursue the girl. Reasons for which include, its more fun for the girl to watch the guy trip all over himself, than it is for the girl to trip all over herself in going after the guy. Ahem. Snide comments aside... ;)

So far as parental involvement, it will merely include me going to my mother for advice. She will not be running the relationship, that will be up to me and the man. She will be keeping me accountable, and letting me know if she spots any problems, but other than that... I will of course talk over the relationship with my girlfriends, (cmon, who doesn't? Wink

) and going to some of my best friends for advice. (For your information, most of my best friends are about 30 years older than I, with successful marriages. And being men, they will be able to tell me more accurately what is going on in the guys head, than a chick would. )

I think a lot of time should be spent with the families, not because it would be necessarily fun, but because one can't be anything other than oneself around family members, because the younger sibs will be sure to point out the behavior modification. ;)

I'm with "Hisgirl84" on the time for a relationship. It has little to do with age, and almost everything to do with maturity level, and just a general grasp of where you are in life. I think it would be a good idea to wait till one if out of college before one begins a relationship, and if there is not college, period, than to wait until the man has a job.

As for chaperones, I'd have to know the circumstances of the chaperonage. I wouldn't have a problem having some one on one time, alone, either at a movie, or picnicing, or whathaveyou. I think that an old lady, knitting in the backseat of my mans car, while at a drive in theater is a little over the top. Double dating would be fun, as long as the other couple didn't spend the entire time smooching. Now THERE would be an awkward situation, which leads into...

Physical contact. Like it or not, the girl is the one who sets the boundaries on how much physical contact there will be. My personal opinion is hugging and handholding is fine, in a serious relationship, when its quite obvious a proposal is coming up at any time. Kissing is only after engagement, and I don't think that making out for hours is entirely healthy. Sex, well, thats AFTER the wedding, but I'm sure we all agree on that. ;)

Tune in next week for some more disjointed ramblings...

Jared · Posted: Tue May 27, 2003 12:00 pm Post subject:

We have this discussion a LOT...

As I've said before, I've never gotten caught up in the courtship vs dating thing because, to me, they're just names. I've never studied the details of each, but I know what's right and wrong and will strive to avoid that which is wrong.

I've never read the signature books of the courtship movement, nor do I really want to do so. To be honest, the whole concept of courtship/dating is not one I've really wanted to read about much.

I haven't given the whole thing much thought as I don't plan to court/date anyone soon. I'm only sixteen (well, three days away from seventeen, but still...)

If courtship entails the parents CHOOSING one's spouse to be, I would not agree with that as it leaves out love. I don't like the idea of a person marrying another person because someone told them to do so. But I don't have a problem with the idea of parents having veto power... :)

For a person solid in his or her faith, I would hope that there would be no problems on this matter. The ideal would be that one would not wish to be courting/dating someone of whom their parents (assuming that the parents are good Christians) would not approve.

I'm not one to debate the finer points of this matter as, like I've said, I haven't spent much time thinking about it at this point in time. (Rather an awkward subject and on something that I'm really not thinking much about yet.)

But I will briefly cover one point: chaperoning. And on this one, I'm once again rather undecided. On the one hand, I absolutely understand the reason for chaperoning and think that those courting/dating should never do anything that they would be ashamed if their parents saw, so it really shouldn't be a problem.

But should they be accompanied everywhere? To tell you the truth, I don't have a solid answer. I'd think not, though. I guess I'm hoping that a good Christian, who will presumably only be courting/dating another solid Christian, will be able to act properly with or without parents present.

The Top Crusader · Posted: Tue May 27, 2003 2:11 pm Post subject:

Yeah, what Jared and Sydney said, basically, more or less, kind of.

The rest of you are a bunch of maroons.

Sydney Bristow Vaughn · Posted: Tue May 27, 2003 3:42 pm Post subject:

Hey, Jared, look, we aren't maroons! But Top, pardon my ignorance, but I guess I'm not fully aware of exactly what a "maroon" is... I was always lead to believe it was a color? Wink

alwaysHis324 · Posted: Tue May 27, 2003 4:19 pm Post subject:

Thank you for the response so far. I figured that this topic was one that had been discussed frequently on here, but since I joined the board in late February I really haven't seen a topic on it. This topic is pretty big at my house right now, my brother just turned 18 and he wants to court this 17 year old. (Actually he wants to date her) Its just been something we have been discussing in my house a lot, and I thought that maybe you all would have some ideas insights to share that might be helpful or interesting.

HisGirl~ Girl, for some reason you totally struck me as a courtship gal! I visited your website (the one you share with your brother) and I dunno, I just had this feeling. Smile

I totally agree with your first point, age and maturity are 2 different things. I don't think that courtship/dating should begin until both parties are capable of supporting each other (finacially). But, I also agree that God's timing is important, and if the couple is drawing close to Him, even before they are a "couple" they will know when the right time is.
KUDOS!!! Its my belief the girl should never initiate anything in romantic relationships. I don't even feel comfortable calling up a guy friend of mine just to talk. If I have a specific question I need answered by him or am needing to pass a message along, then I will call, but not just to talk. It sends to many mixed messages, and I just feel that that isn't the girls place. Call me old fashioned, but I don't care. I like when boys behave like gentleman and treat women as ladies. Besides Proverbs 31 says "A wife of noble character, who can find" doesn't that give the impression that the boy is supposed to be doing the looking??? Wink

Ah yes, and physical contact. I will not kiss until my wedding day, when I am standing at the alter, and the minister has says "I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride." That is just something that I feel very convicted of. I will say this, I think physical boundaries in relationships are a personal decision, a decision that is made between both parties (parents included imo) and in accordance to God's will. Its different with everyone. I mean, I think as Christians there are obvious boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, before marriage. But things like light kissing, hand holding, and hugging, that is different for each person. There is nothing wrong with kissing, but to me, my kisses are special and I want to save them for the one man that I will be with the rest of my life.

Sydney~ your mother could take on a fatherly role in the courtship process. Courtship can be manipulated (ooh that word sounds evil) to fit your situation. I mean, the guy can still ask your mother's permission to begin a relationship with you. At least thats what I would do if I was in your situation. :hug:

Jared~ chaparones, yeah I stand undecided on that topic as well. I think that the couple should spend much time with one anothers families. Its a good way to for the parents to get to know their child's "intended" Smile

it also is good because the couple is able to see one another in their "natural habitats" For girls, they can see how their boyfriend treats the other women in his life, mothers and sisters. For guys, they can see how the girl is in a home setting etc. Plus its a built in chaparone.

I also think it has a lot to do with trust. The parents need to be able to trust their children. I mean I don't think its wise to like lock them in a bedroom together and then make them prove they can be trusted. Obviously they wouldn't want to put their children in places of temptation. But I do think some alone time is necessary. And that again is something that needs to be decided for each individual and their families.

Oh and Top~ I'm not sure what a maroon is, but I did specifically say that I didn't want this to turn into a name calling thread, thank you very much.

K, enuf said from me

merry · Guest

this is a very interesting topic! i would have to agree with everyone who said that dating (untill u are ready to look for someone to marry) is a rather pointless ordeal; that simply leads to unneeded tension, anger, frustration, and eventually heartbreak.
i have a friend whose boyfriend, of about a month, was cheating on her. she found out and was devistated! she had given him SO MUCH of herself (pyshically and emotionally) to him! she called my while i was on my way to visit my aunt and she could not stop crying and telling me how much she now hated thet guy whom just the day before she had been obsessed with!
if u are going to get into a relationship, i think u should be careful how much u give of yourself to this person, whom u will most certainly end up breaking ur heart (or vice versa)!
one last thing, girls should be careful to not look for love in the wrong places regarding guys! has anyone ever heard the saying "guys play at love to get sex, and girls play at sex to get love?" now im not saying that goes for everyone, but i thouht it was an interestin quote from my bible teacher!

Felicity Carden · Posted: Tue May 27, 2003 4:45 pm Post subject:

Guy don't like me and I refuse to date or even court... people just hate me!